Why is it called rush hour when nothing moves?
The planet is fine, it’s the people who are screwed.
Have you ever noticed the people who tell you to relax are the ones stressing you out?
Some people don’t want to think—they just want a bumper sticker to do the thinking for them.
We put warning labels on coffee cups but not on politicians.
The difference between religion and a cult is the size of the real estate.
We buy things we don’t need with money we don’t have to impress people we don’t like.
If honesty is the best policy, why does advertising exist?
Most people don’t want the truth, they want reassurance with sprinkles on top.
We’ve got 500 channels and nothing worth watching.
When did “customer service” become “customer hold music”?
Why do we park in driveways and drive on parkways?
Government: the entertainment division of the military-industrial complex.
The reason they call it the American Dream is because you have to be asleep to believe it.
Think of how dumb the average person is, then realize half are dumber than that.
The only reason time exists is so everything doesn’t happen all at once.
A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff.
The IQ of the room drops as soon as the TV goes on.
If voting made a difference, they wouldn’t let us do it.
We’ve got bigger houses, smaller families, more conveniences, and less time.
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
When you’re born you get a ticket to the freak show; when you’re born in America you get a front row seat.
If crime fighters fight crime, what do freedom fighters fight?
Have you noticed that anyone driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone faster is a maniac?
We made plastic so durable it might outlast the species that invented it.
The Earth will shake us off like a bad case of fleas when it’s ready.
Why is it that our children can’t read or write, but they can operate a smartphone at age three?
Think about how much time you waste worrying about people you don’t even like.
Isn’t it weird that we kill each other to prove killing is wrong?
Most people don’t really want freedom—they want permission.
The schools don’t want thinkers, they want obedient test-takers.
Religion convinced people the sky has a landlord.
In America, we fight wars for peace, and we eat diets that kill us to live longer.
The reason it’s called the Department of Defense is because Department of Attack would be too honest.
We’re all born with a brain, but many people treat it like an optional accessory.
“Family values” is a phrase invented by politicians who cheat on their spouses.
Why do we look down on people who talk to themselves when half of us pray out loud to the ceiling?
The news isn’t there to tell you what happened; it’s there to tell you what will keep you tuned in.
We’ve got armies of lawyers but no army to protect us from lawyers.
People worship money, then get angry when the rich rule everything.
If honesty is the best policy, why do we teach kids to write résumés?
You don’t have rights, you have privileges that expire when inconvenient.
Some people need a speed bump for their mouths.
We invented airplanes and then filled them with peanuts and leg cramps.
The first casualty of politics is the dictionary.
We’re told to save the planet by buying more stuff labeled “eco-friendly.”
The truth doesn’t need a PR department.
If there’s an afterlife, it probably doesn’t accept credit cards.
People don’t actually want solutions—they want better excuses.
Most people are too busy scrolling to notice the scroll bar is their leash.
Why is it called common sense when it’s the rarest thing in the room?
The Bible has great press, but a terrible editor.
People complain about politicians while lining up to vote for them again.
If money can’t buy happiness, explain yachts.
The guy who invented the mute button deserves a Nobel Prize in peace.
We built the internet to share knowledge and ended up with cat videos and conspiracy theories.
Every time you clean out your closet you’re reminded how much money you wasted.
The calendar is just a way to charge rent for time.
The older you get the more your body becomes a full-time job.
People don’t want a conversation—they want an echo.
Why do banks charge fees when you don’t have money? Isn’t that the problem already?
We created billionaires and then acted surprised when they ran the world.
Fast food is neither fast nor food.
The guy who invented leaf blowers must’ve hated peace and quiet.
If ignorance is bliss, then social media is heaven.
Half the people you meet at work are only there to avoid being at home.
The reason ads are louder on TV is because lies need more volume.
The most expensive part of a car is the monthly payment.
You can judge a country by how many flavors of chips it sells.
War is how adults settle arguments they couldn’t win in high school.
We invented robots to do our jobs, then gave them our jobs.
The secret to happiness is low expectations, but nobody sells that.
Why does everyone want to save time if they’re just going to waste it anyway?
Religion is crowd control with better costumes.
The problem with conspiracy theories is that some of them are true.
A cellphone is just a pocket-sized guilt machine.
History repeats itself, first as tragedy, then as a Netflix series.
The more we “connect” online, the lonelier people feel offline.
Why do airlines give us safety instructions when they don’t follow them for baggage?
A resume is a list of lies you hope your future boss won’t fact-check.
We call it social media, but it makes people less social and less media literate.
You know civilization is in trouble when bottled water outsells beer.
Your job will never love you back, but people still marry their careers.
Everyone talks about freedom until the Wi-Fi goes out.
We built cities so big we forgot how to walk.
Most people don’t want knowledge—they want confirmation.
We invented democracy so people could fight over it instead of for it.
Every war starts with a story someone told badly.
People say money doesn’t buy happiness, but it buys ice cream and that’s close enough.
We invented reality TV because reality wasn’t embarrassing enough.
We call it “customer loyalty” but it’s really customer captivity.
Why do politicians kiss babies when they don’t take care of the grown-ups?
The best way to hide the truth is to bury it under statistics.
They say laughter is the best medicine, but insurance won’t cover it.
You don’t pay taxes, taxes pay you—with potholes and bureaucracy.
The internet is proof that given the chance, people will argue about anything.
We created the weekend to rest from work, then filled it with chores.
Advertising is legalized lying with better fonts.
Most people don’t want to be free—they want to be comfortable.
Why do we call it voicemail when it’s always empty of voice and full of spam?
If patience is a virtue, then lines at the DMV are spiritual training.
The scariest phrase in the English language is “I’m from tech support and I’m here to help.”
The best thing about the future is that it hasn’t happened yet, and that’s also the worst thing.
Jokes I
I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised.
Why don’t skeletons ever go trick-or-treating? Because they have no body to go with.
Parallel lines have so much in common. It’s a shame they’ll never meet.
Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.
I used to play piano by ear, but now I use my hands.
Why can’t you trust stairs? They’re always up to something.
I invented a new word: Plagiarism.
Why don’t oysters donate to charity? Because they’re shellfish.
Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut? He needed a little space.
Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything.
I told my computer I needed a break, and now it won’t stop sending me Kit-Kats.
Why did the math book look sad? It had too many problems.
My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home.
Why can’t you give Elsa a balloon? Because she’ll let it go.
What do you call fake spaghetti? An impasta.
Why do cows wear bells? Because their horns don’t work.
I told my dog to sit, but he just looked at me and said, “You sit.”
Why don’t eggs tell jokes? They’d crack each other up.
What did one wall say to the other wall? I’ll meet you at the corner.
I couldn’t figure out why I look so bad in pictures, then it hit me.
What do you call cheese that isn’t yours? Nacho cheese.
I asked the librarian if the library had books on paranoia. She whispered, “They’re right behind you.”
Why do golfers bring two pairs of pants? In case they get a hole in one.
What’s brown, sticky, and can hold things together? A stick.
Why don’t graveyards ever get overcrowded? People are dying to get in.
Why did the bicycle fall over? It was two tired.
What do you call a factory that makes good products? A satisfactory.
Why did the tomato turn red? Because it saw the salad dressing.
What do you call a pile of cats? A meowtain.
Why was the math teacher suspicious of prime numbers? Because they were odd.
I used to hate facial hair… but then it grew on me.
Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom? Because the “P” is silent.
What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.
I broke my finger last week. On the other hand, I’m okay.
Why did the computer go to the doctor? Because it caught a virus.
I only know 25 letters of the alphabet. I don’t know y.
What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator.
What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh.
I used to be addicted to the hokey pokey, but I turned myself around.
Why was the broom late? It swept in.
I’m reading a book on anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down.
Why don’t koalas count as bears? They don’t have the right koalafications.
Why don’t seagulls fly over the bay? Because then they’d be bagels.
I asked my French friend if he likes to play video games. He said Wii.
Why was the stadium so hot? All the fans left.
Did you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers? He made a mint.
Why did the chicken join a band? Because it had the drumsticks.
What happens if you eat too many spaghetti noodles? You pasta point of no return.
Why did the coffee file a police report? It got mugged.
How does a penguin build its house? Igloos it together.
